NSBR: explaining death to a toddler

[beaucat]

One of our close relatives has terminal cancer. I've started trying to explain to our toddler - I've told him that she is going to live with God and that she will be very happy but that we will be very sad since we won't be able to see her again. I told him that God can fix her but that she'll stay with him and the angels...

DS is only 3 so I don't really want to talk about sickness and death because I don't want him thinking everytime gets sick that he is going to lose them...

Would you go into anymore detail w/ a toddler or just leave it at that?

Angela

[AmyM Designs]

This is a hard situation to deal with. My father in law passed away when my daughter had just turned 5. She dealt with it amazingly well, and I told her something pretty similar. We told her that it was his time to go and live in heaven and now he won't be sick anymore, but we'll see him again one day a long time from now. She was happy that he wouldn't be sick but still says she misses him on occassion. That's to be expected, but I think you will be surprised at how well little ones can deal with a simple explanation like that. I think as little detail as possible is good. I'm sorry to hear what your family is going through. <<<<<hugs>>>>> to you

[*Kelly*]

I would leave it at that. IMO, I think you have explained it beautifully and in a way he most likely would understand. If your son asks questions, then you gently answer his questions in a way you feel he would understand best. There are fantastic pictures books on this subject... have a google.

I'm terribly sorry to hear this news..

[Shannon]

I'm so sorry about your relative. :(

Yes, I think the way you've explained it is perfect. You really don't have to go into much detail about the why she has to go to heaven. You can just tell him all about how wonderful heaven is and (if it's true) that your relative is happy that she'll get to live with God. That way he'll know if she's happy about it then he can be happy about it too.

[LDesjardin]

I agree - that's a great explanation and I wouldn't add anything unless of course your toddler asks. My oldest son who is five starting asking me about this recently and it's such a difficult topic to discuss without scaring or confusing them.

[LeslieL]

Your explanation is fine. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. My MIL died when my son was 2 1/2 and we just told him that she was in heaven and wasn't sick anymore. He's almost 4 now, and when her name comes up he tells us she's in heaven. He has just accepted it as that's where she is.

[Serena Thomas]

That explanation sounds great. If she continues to ask questions though you may need ot further the explanation. I've had to deal with explaning the death of a great-grandparent who had been sick for some time and that was accepted well. I've recently had someone die from suicide and I talked to a professional who explained that suicide isn't something that they can comprehend until about 8 years old so I haven't told my children about that yet. They are currently 5 and 3. I've found that kids will ask questions until they feel satisfied and the best way to deal with it is to answer them as simply as possible and without going on and it seems to satisfy them. All children are different so if you see them having difficulties perhaps a child psychologist might be an option too.

[emmers4life]

I think you did a perfect job explaining it. I would leave it at that.

[scrapgirl42]

I think little children understand better than we give them credit for. My grandma passed away a month ago, and when my 2 year old grandson saw her in the casket he said 'great-grandma sleeping'. His mom told him that great-grandma lives with Heavenly Father now. That was all she needed to say, now if you ask about great-grandma he will tell you she lives with Heavenly Father.

I think you have done a great job. He will understand - {{{hugs}}} to you and your family.

[Karen Bowers]

my son was 3 when my grandfather died. he became fascinated, positively morbid about death. not so much that he was grieving my grandfather whom he hardly knew since he lived 3000 miles away, but his little brain needed to figure out death.

several months he would occasionally pop up with death questions. just thought i'd tell you, so if that happens to you, it gives you a little sense of normalcy while you're grieving.

[rach3975]

I'm sorry. I think that was a beautiful explanation. I'd leave it at that for now, but if your 3 year old is anything like mine there will be lots of questions to come. Like you mentioned, I've heard that we shouldn't equate dying with things that happen to our kids (going to sleep, getting sick) because they may become frightened that they'll die if they go to sleep or get sick. When my son asked we started making the distinction between older people getting very, very sick and kids. (I decided that telling him about kids dying is TMI right now, so we stick to talking about death as something that happens when people get old.)

[txmusicmom]

Each child is so different- just be willing to talk as needed-- He might want to talk about it- He might not-- let him lead you!

So sorry for the loss.

[lukasmummy]

How close are they? because that will really effect the questions your little one asks. When a close friend died Lukas wasn't really fussed but when Leo died the questions were constant, I'm not religious so I went for the he's living on that really bright star watching over you and that works fine most of the time, he still occasionally asks why the hospital won't give Leo back though. What I am trying to say is they may seem like they understand and be fine with it and then you get a bizarre question out of the blue, it's nearly 3 years since we lost Leo and I still get weird questions.

[beaucat]

Thanks for all the comments and well wishes.

About 1 1/2 years ago, one of our cats suddenly passed away, DS is convinced that he is somewhere "lost" rather than gone. I told him she is going to live in heaven with God and the cat. This afternoon, he asked if the cat gets to play with angels (I also told him there are angels in heaven.) LOL.

Angela

[Kazadoodle]

I'm sorry about your relative :(

My DD had just turned 4 when her Nono died. He had been sick for only a short period (two months) when he died. Not being religious, I was fairly honest about what had happened, but didn't go into much detail.

I was totally appalled at my DH though, when at the funeral, they had a viewing, and he asked our DD if she wanted to look - I did not want her remembering her grandfather like that - I was so thrilled that she said no. I was very angry at DH for a while, because we hadn't discussed the matter prior to the funeral.

[danger girl]

There is a book by Maria Shriver called "What's Heaven?" that is pretty good.

[Carinspixels]

I'm sorry you lost a loved one. I wouldnt go into to much details with young children.
My FIL passed away 2 years ago. Aranka was 4 and she's the youngest. now we've kept our children 'up to date' about his sickbed, we even took the oldest 2 kids 8 and 10 at the time to the hospital. But we've kept the youngest somewhat 'seperated' from it all. They have been very close with their grandfather and it was the only GF they had. Jeroen spend at least 4 days a month at GF he loved staying with Grandpa, and so did the girls. They lost a big hero that day.

The youngest understood he was 'gone'. And she went to the cremations with us.

I had seen him 2 days before he passed, cause he lived in Belgium, DH stayed with him till the end, and when I saw him just after he passed cause a good friend drove me to Belgium I was so scared and shocked on how he had changed myself that I didnt allow any of my kids to look at him at the viewing. I'd rather not have looked, so i'm glad they have a 'true' memory of grandpa.

I've never told them he was 'sleeping' cause kids might actually get scared to fall asleep.

So I told the children he was dead, Jeroen got very very angry, Esmee only cried rivers, and Aranka watched our reactions and 'copied' them. She did cry, but I dont think she realised why. We told her being dead means your mind leaves your body, and your body stays here, and your mind is going to another 'realm'. That his body was free from pain now, and he would be happy in the other realm. She found it sad they couldnt play anylonger. She did ask load of questions, like why we are sad if he was free from pain, untill the question why does everyone need to say goodbye if he is no longer there?

At the cremation itself she was very quiet, overwhelmed I guess, but after that and the coffee and shaking hands came Aranka had a 'blast' but then again what can you expect from a 4 yr old.
She was congratulating people, asked his older friends that attended if they had tubes in the peepee as well. And told everyone her grandpa was a star now that twinkles towards her every night....
That is also normal behavior for that age, and we left her being a child, in all honesty the world has enough sorrow allready, and I actually was jealous that she was playfull as ever, and we only cried.....Nobody took offense out of her behavior I guess most people where a tad jealous that acceptance comes so natural with young children.

Be prepared for weird questions on the most weird times, and also be prepared to let your child be a child at the ceremonies.