NSBR: Bullying

[basketballmomma]

I don't know what to do. My son who is in 6th grade told me the other day that these kids in school are really giving him a hard time! He said at p.e. one of the kids hit him in the back and tackled him! He said this is going on at recess to. I talked to the counselor and they had the assist principal ask him for a list of names and told him if they did it to come tell. I think he is afraid to tell for fear of retaliation (sp?). I know it had started earlier in the year, but I thought it had stopped until recently. They are calling him names and he honestly did not want to go to school to day. I just about in tears when a look at him and know he is terrified. I believe probably homeschooling him might be the best option, but my husband thinks pulling him out isn't going to help! I really just don't know what to do!

Thanks for your advice!

Beverly

[5peasinapod]

I'm sorry to hear that you little guy is going threw this. I am an elementary counselor and deal with this type of behavior every day. This is the short end of the story...if he doesn't get help then it will continue...one way to get him to not be the only one telling and worry about possible retaliation is to have him buddy up with a friend or to make sure he is not alone...if he is getting bullied have him look around at that moment and identify other kids that have witnessed it, that way it is not one persons word over another. While it is a little scary at first, realizing that you have some control in this type of situation is very impowering.

Here are some things to consider:
-bullies look for targets that they feel will not say anything...sure they may be upset if they feel that he tells, but chances are they will then seek out someone that wont give them as much trouble...
-I would put pressure on the school to present one or two bully lessons or lessons on empathy towards others, possibly what to do if a friend needs help...the school can be held accountable if they do not take adequate steps to provide a safe environment for your child.
-keep a journal of alleged incidents...that way when/if you meet with school personel you have dates
-do not wait to contact your school, it is very hard for school personel to confront this type of behavior if it happened 3 weeks ago.
-advocate for you child. You are not seen as a trouble maker. Schools want to know what is going on. Break the silence, your child has rights!
-if it is going on with your child, it is going on with other students as well. If your child/ or yourself are able to nudge the school to act, it could save others as well

++++One major thing to note...I would not pull him from school unless the school is unresponsive to your concerns++++giving your child the skills to deal with uncomfortable situations and rude behavior will last him a life time!

Hope this helps! Feel free to pm me if you would like more information...I have handouts and other things I provide my parents with

[basketballmomma]

Thank you!

I have told him to make sure and tell the teacher! He says they do it around other kids that won't be a witness. I honestly think he doesn't have that many friends! My husband called the principle this morning and if he doesn't call back is going to stop by there on his way home! He has always enjoyed school so for him not to want to go is a big issue! He says it happens in almost all of his classes and when he goes to the bus! Honestly after dealing with this I can see how kids could be pushed to their limits! It is just frustrating!

Beverly

[maggie965]

IMHO, your hubby shouldn't wait to hear from the principal, he should go NOW if at all possible. The school tends to react more quickly if there is a presence, if they know you will to whatever it takes to protect your child. My son went through this also in sixth grade, in fact he got bullied into fighting within the first two months of school. We first told him to never back down even if he was afraid, next we told him to tell the nearest adult what was going on, and finally we told him if anyone put their hands on him he'd better darn sure knock the crap out of them and we (his parents ) would deal with the consequences. However, he was NOT allowed to provoke anyone or engage in a fight if walking away was an option. Bottom line: You need to deal with the school in person right now AND you need to teach your son to stand up for himself. In most cases once he stands up to them the kids will back off.

[Microferk ~ Miki Ferkul]

Originally Posted by maggie965

IMHO, your hubby shouldn't wait to hear from the principal, he should go NOW if at all possible. The school tends to react more quickly if there is a presence, if they know you will to whatever it takes to protect your child. My son went through this also in sixth grade, in fact he got bullied into fighting within the first two months of school. We first told him to never back down even if he was afraid, next we told him to tell the nearest adult what was going on, and finally we told him if anyone put their hands on him he'd better darn sure knock the crap out of them and we (his parents ) would deal with the consequences. However, he was NOT allowed to provoke anyone or engage in a fight if walking away was an option. Bottom line: You need to deal with the school in person right now AND you need to teach your son to stand up for himself. In most cases once he stands up to them the kids will back off.

Bingo. Same here. My oldest was never in a fight in grade school (parochial school). In sophomore of high school, he got jumped in the restrooms. I asked him what he did and he said he knocked kid off his back , turned around punched him in the nose and bloodied it. That was it. He's never had a problem since and is due to graduate in 3 months.
While I have always told him, and our younger kids, to NOT hit, punch,kick, bite, push, smack, pull hair, knock down (yes, gotta close up all those loopholes, LOL!) first- that they have every right to defend themselves if there are no adults present to help them out. I'm not raising a punching bag, and saw too many kids who wouldn't defend themselves become the butt of the bullies. That said, Chris would have been suspended had the fight been noted by the school- because not only do those who defend themselves get hauled down to the police department, but all those who were HIT!!!!! Now how does that make sense? The kids now figure that if they are at risk of being taken down to the PD even if they are human punching bags, they may as well defend themselves. So we've told our kids that it's OK - and sometimes even better- and that Dad and I will back them up, and they will NOT be punished at home for acts of self-defense.
And I so totally agree that if a kid stands up it will usually make him/her less of a target. But unfortunately, that kind of response is so difficult for some kids!

Luckily, Chris, our oldest, has grown to be the care-taker- and he watches out for the smaller and less popular kids at school and makes sure no one picks on them when he's around.

[KirstyB]

Is it possible that YOU can get the names out of him instead of HIM giving them to the counselor and/or vice principal? That way, YOU can be the one to name names and it might take the pressure off him? What a crummy situation!! We haven't really been down this road yet. Hugs!

[5peasinapod]

I would have him still look around and see who the bystanders are...even if they aren't friends chances are if the counselor or principal pull them from class they will "spill the beans." Usually kids want to do the right thing, they just aren't sure what that is...If the principal know who these other kids are that witnessed the behavior he/she can talk to them without them having to seek out the principal on their own.

***Sure you want to have your child stick up for themself and not stand there and get beaten up...but your taking the risk that it wont escalate and if he does "win" the fight, the other child might show up with a bigger brother/sister or a weapon to "win" back his reputation...violence is a pattern of behavior, someone needs to break the pattern.

[basketballmomma]

he has given me a couple of names! He says it is a bunch of students and it happens at p.e and break mainly! My husband will be on his way to the school soon! I have no car so I can't go and also can't find my phone ughh! Maggie we also told him the same thing about if they start something don't back down. He does that he pushes them back I just don't see how the p.e. teacher doesn't notice something.! He is not a fighter at all and he thinks he is so weak! I wanted for him to take karate lessons to help him and to teach him a little confidence, but he did not want to!

[Rachel Martin]

My son had a few issues when walking home last year...being roughed up several times. I both called the school AND the police. I have a ZERO tolerance policy for bullying myself. I don't give anyone a second chance to hurt my child. The school and the police were both very helpful and stayed on top of it. It turned out that the bullies were very well known by the school as being bullies...so they were grateful that we were willing to stand up and say something. Making the school acountable for how children are being treated while in their care is important too. They can't help if they don't know what is going n, and I've found between talking to my son and his teachers over the years, there can be a HUGE difference in how the same situation is being viewed. My son has remarked quite often, about "not having any friends" or "no one likes me", and when I talk to his teacers they all feel he is well liked and that he has a very good social life at school. But, I do tend to lean towards believing my son, because I know in a class of 25-30 kids, a teacher can not hear and see every little thing that goes on, and it's easy to think things look okay when you're not right there in the middle of it all.

I was one of those quiet kids who was easily bullied in school, back when you just didn't "tell". I am thankful it is more of a talked about things these days. It is hard to be that bullied child. I hope yu can figure something out! As far as making your son feel comfortable and liked at school, are there any extra curricular activities he could sign up for? Maybe let him plan a little sleep over or boys day for some upcoming weekend, where he can invite several friends over. That may make him feel like part of a group which can help a child feel a little more confidant and less vulnerable-yopu know "strength in numbers". I know my mom wasn't great at fostering my childhood friendships, and I think it really contributed to a lot of my self esteem issues, and made me an easier target for the bullies.

[ms4kidz]

My girls have had to deal with bullies from time to time. My oldest (6th grade now) was being picked on by a little boy when she was in 1st grade. He would pinch her, poke her, try to trip her. She was double his size. We were fed up that nothing was helping and we told her . ."you're bigger knock him down next time." We informed the teacher that we had told her to do this, but that she was NOT allowed to knock anyone else down and he had to start it. It only took once!

This year we've had to deal with our 4th grader and the 4th grader that lives across the street. It's never really gotten better even with intervention at school and it is very disheartening to keep telling your child to ignore mean/rude comments.