NSBR: mommie help needed

[arenee]

My little one, DS 4 years old, has started telling lies. They aren't major but they are still lies. He isn't to go pees on the rocks. He can go pees in the trees. He was asked if he went pees on the trees and he said yes. It was pretty clear that he had gone on the rocks. He is to flush the toilet when he does his business and he will say he has when he hasn't. The lies are about things that dont tend to get him in a lot of trouble. He will get a swat if he does something dangerous but that is the major punishment. Otherwise he has a time out.

Any ideas on how to address this. Am I overreacting? I am thinking if he gets away with little things the lies will grow.

Thanks for your help

[justmp]

It sounds like he's right on track developmentally to me....LOL! DD went through the exact same thing at the same age. We punished for lying the same way we do for other wrong behavior. I've had other friends go through the same thing, and I've also been told it rears it's head again at about 8 where they start testing the 'lying' again.

[diannerigdon]

Yeah it's normal, but still heartbreaking for mom, huh? What I started doing is pointing the lies out right away. I say, show me. If you flushed...show me. Then when he shows you say uh oh! You didn't flush. Make him do it right then. You'll have to work at it but just keep making him go back and do it again. Find soemthing he has to do with the rocks....make him clean his pee off the rocks. (Watch out this might be fun lol.) Maybe find something yucky according to him to do other than time out. Something that feels like work so he won't want to have to keep doing it for each thing he lies about. Then don't give up you have to be consistent or he'll figure out he can get away wtih it. As he gets older and even now, you can explain to him in simple terms that lying means people won't believe him when he tells the truth. Do you want a candy? I don't believe you now, because you lied to me. Etc. Bless you sweetie.

[arenee]

Thanks for your input. I was worried that I may be raising the next great con man. Any other ideas on how to deal with this issue?

Thanks

[Lena Brandenburg]

This is what I was told by a developmental therapist 3 years ago when nathan was going through this at age 4. Just be matter-of-fact about it. Don't get worked up. Be stern and calm. She suggested we say something like that, "I know the truth and I want YOU to tell it to me." She suggested we not give him a long lecture or major punishment, but rather something like this.

(Nathan isn't allowed to have toys in his pockets when we go in the store.)

Us: Do you have toys in your pockets?
N: no
Us: Double check then.
N: I don't have any
Us: We know the truth, Nathan. We want you to tell the truth. When you lie it hurts people's feelings. When you tell the truth it makes us happy.
N: okay (taking the toy out of his pocket)

Something like that. She said if you keep your correction short and simple it will help. It will take your child time to see that he isn't going to get in huge trouble for lying (because they say at this age, major punishment is counterproductive) he will correct himself quicker. Yes, it was a mistake, a lapse in judgement in his part but if you fly off the handle (which I was inclined to WANT to do because I can't stand lying) it just makes things worse. It's a good thing I had my husband to help calm me down LOL.

THis is SOOOO normal at this age.

Nathan also told other lies in Kindergarten and 1st grade, the 'good imagination' kind....for attention...that someone had tripped him at lunch, for instance, to explain a scratch. When I'd immediately call out holes in his story (I should call the principal and get that child in trouble, I'd say ) he'd immediately correct his story and say that he just fell on the playground. I'd say, "wow you have a good imagination but you need to always be truthful. Lying hurts mommy's feelings and could hurt other people, too." and then we'd leave it at that. He doesn't do those things anymore

[Margie S.]

My youngest did this for about a year around the same age. She would make stuff up like falling off a horse and that's how she got scratched-said it with the straightest face too!!! I never thought anything of it until one day she was watching my Mom cut veggies and says "oh Nana, one day my Mom had a knife and she was going to use it on me"...something to that effect...(so many years ago now) I took her aside and told her that these were stories that would have her taken away from Mommy and Daddy if she said them. I was in shock because we never watch goofy tv shows or read scary stories-nothing. So where this comes from I have no clue. She never did it again...not that I know of anyway. She's 19 today and I thinks she's outgrown it LOL.
I don't have much advice just that you need to take each "lie" individually and pray he outgrows it soon

[onescrappymom]

We went through this stage too with my DD at around 4. I did as Lena, and just told her I knew the truth and usually she would crack and tell it. We kinda let that be for a few weeks and it was a phase that passed rather quickly for her. Once she learned it wasn't getting a reaction of sorts, the "fun" wore off. She's all about getting a reaction.

[Darcy Baldwin]

Originally Posted by diannerigdon

As he gets older and even now, you can explain to him in simple terms that lying means people won't believe him when he tells the truth. Do you want a candy? I don't believe you now, because you lied to me. Etc. Bless you sweetie.

Oh, sage woman that you are, thank you so much for that last sentence. I NEVER EVER thought to put it in those terms. Our 4yo is just starting this, too, and I think he's not understanding my explanations (I'm so used to the highly verbal 7yo), and this would work perfectly, I think! Thanks!

[Melanie Colosimo (lemonyr)]

Oh my....we're going through the same thing! And, like you said, they are always small, insignificant things that he's lying about. OY! So glad to hear that it's just a "normal" thing though...even if it IS frustruating! Thanks for the tips, girls!